Fifty Shades of Grey review

Friday night, I dragged my harried fiance to CineBistro for a night of good (but overpriced) food, cocktails, and the film based off the BDSM books that have swept the world. He wasn't looking forward to it and to be honest, my expectations were rather low. The only high expectation I had was that I was certain this film was going to suck. Spectacularly. Fifty Shades of Grey didn't disappoint. My biggest regret? That I didn't order more alcohol that I SO needed to get through this!

We all know what the story is about. The movie follows literature student (and virgin) Anastasia Steele (played here by Dakota Johnson) as she falls for the aloof billionaire Christian Grey who has a secret BDSM lifestyle. I shouldn't expect too much from a story based off Twilight fanfiction, but that's my cross to bear. I read all three books (you can find my review on the franchise here) and flat out hated them. I honestly thought I'd feel the same way about the movie but certain things surprised me.

First of all, I'm surprised by how, dare I say, pretty the film was. The set design for Christian's apartment was spot on. It was exactly how I pictured it to look from the books. The cinematographer also needs one hell of a pat on the back. The gorgeous scenery elevated the film to the next level. This was a love letter to the Pacific Northwest and it displays just how beautiful the region can be. From sprawling urban oasis to beautiful forests, the movie scored an A+ from me with setting. It's kinda like if you take bacon by itself, it's just greasy, fattening meat. However, if you take bacon and wrap it around bay scallops, it becomes "gourmet." That's what Fifty Shades is to me: something that's bad for you but if you put it in a pretty packaging, it isn't so terrible.

The other positive here is the soundtrack. The music is devastatingly haunting like old-school Enigma. I never thought Beyonce would hitch her musical wagon to a film like this, but it was smart business for her to do so. This film will be one of the biggest of the year and her songs provide the perfect lyrical backdrop. Everyone heard her remix of "Crazy In Love" as it played over the trailer and "Haunted" adds to the mood of a very important scene between Ana and Christian. I absolutely loved the soundtrack and prefer it much more than the movie.

Now for the negative. I didn't like this film very much at all. I wanted to see this movie BURN so badly. Everyone knows my issue with Fifty Shades isn't the sex or the BDSM but the characters. I'm glad to see they improved on Ana. While the Ana in the books is mousy, weak, and stupid, the Ana in the film is independent, sweet, and fun. I told my fiance that if I met someone like her in real life, that I'd totally be friends with her. I would understand more why Christian falls in love with her had Ana behaved like this in the books. The other bonus is the Ana here is much more hesitant to go along with Christian's offer to be his submissive. She wants time to think on it and consider the implications of such a lifestyle. The Ana in the books thinks about it for five minutes then just throws caution to the wind only to have it bite her in the ass later when she sees just how wrong this lifestyle is for her. In the film, Ana seemed to be on the cusp of just saying to hell with this hot mess but Christian (aka Edward) just won't leave her be.

I rather like Jamie Dornan as an actor, but he was woefully miscast in this role. Not since The Wizard of Oz's Tin Man have I seen a more leaden performance. I don't know if Dornan was directed to act wooden and creepy but dear Lord, was he awful. His "American" accent and stilted speech made me want to scream in agony each time he opened his damn mouth. I wanted him to just stand there and look pretty because that's about all Dornan could manage. Problem is, he couldn't even do that right. The Christian in the books is stalkerish, creepy, and closed off emotionally but he still has minimally redeeming qualities. There's a slight charm to him, even if it is just a facade to hide the pain he feels on the inside. In the movie, there's nothing charming or easygoing about Christian. He's downright scary in pretty much every scene. We as the audience are made to believe that from the moment Ana meets Christian, she's inexplicably drawn to him. Yes, he is the quintessential tall, dark, and handsome man, but that's all he has going for him. I can't wrap my brain around why she falls in love with him. I guess he must have tapped that booty right. Apparently, if a man gives a sexually inexperienced woman enough earth-shattering orgasms, it will make up for any emotional shortcomings he may have. I totally get why he falls for her. She's very much different from any woman he's ever been with. This version of Ana challenges Christian and refuses to let him run her life. He's never had a woman not bend to his will, which is new and exciting territory for him. Those who read the books know that he's well on his way to being in love with Ana at this point in the story. I just wish they had written movie Christian to actually SHOW that. By the end of the film, I get the feeling that he's more afraid of her leaving, not because he loves her, but because he's afraid of losing control over what is usually a very simple arrangement for him.

The worst sin for me is the lack of sex appeal. This movie is far from being the erotic treasure they promised it would be. For a film based around BDSM, Fifty Shades sure is tame and extremely run-of-the-mill. Goodness me this movie was boring as hell. I've had more "excitement" sitting on top of the washing machine while it was on spin cycle. I don't know about other women, but I wasn't getting hot and bothered when Dornan took his shirt off and displayed his rather bony chest. I wasn't squirming in my seat the first time he dry-humped poor Dakota Johnson to simulate fake jackrabbit sex. To make matters worse, we see more of Johnson than is appropriate for a film directed by a woman based off a book written by a woman. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson proved that, much like the author of the books E.L. James, she knows nothing about what women really want. This movie was supposed to be for us ladies, yet every sex scene we are treated to closeups of Johnson's (very) erect nipples. If I want to see a pair of fried eggs, I'd go to Waffle House. According to Dornan, he apparently refused to do any full-frontal nudity. While that's understandable, it kind of kills the eroticism of the story. This was dubbed as mommy porn and straight women would rather see the guy than a never-ending barrage of another woman's breasts and her shag carpet. I must say, I admire her for attempting to bring the Seventies back. Dakota, girl, I know you worked out to be in shape for the film, but you neglected a very important aspect of your beauty regime. #TrimTheBush

Dakota Johnson shined in this drivel. She was the star because she was the only one taking any risks emotionally and sexually. She carried this entire film while Dornan looked as though he'd very much like the ground to open up and swallow him whole. The filmmakers played it way too safe because they wanted to maintain the R rating and not get slapped with the dreaded NC-17. That decision was clearly a financial one. They cared more about making money than exploring the boundaries a film like this could truly push. I also can't stand the overall message of this film and the books which is that women should sacrifice who they are and get involved with a dangerous man (against their better judgement) in the vain hope that he'll change for her. It doesn't help that Fifty Shades fails to serve as a cautionary tale against such a belief. This film is lazy as hell with bad writing and has far too many homages to Twilight (right down to a scene in a forest meadow.) Its saving grace is that the pacing is better than that of the book. However, there's nothing remotely romantic about the story (despite being marketed as a romance) unless you count the way Christian attempts to impress Ana with expensive dates and presents. I ain't saying she a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke (expletive deleted.) Perhaps that is what the women who love Fifty Shades of Grey want: a rich guy to dote on them despite every fiber of your being telling you to run for your life. Take away Christian's money, and you have nothing but a creepy stalker who gives off a serial killer vibe. Most women I know would throw up deuces and run away as fast as their stilettos could take them. Unless you're into that kind of thing do yourself a favor and stay far away from this movie (and any Christian Grey types.) It is an insult to women to be represented by a female heroine who is thought of being nothing more than a simpering doe-eyed ingenue easily impressed by money, flash, and good looks. Sorry, Mr. Grey, but I'm not that easy.

Why I Hate Fifty Shades of Grey

I previously wrote briefly on the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy in my blog about the most difficult books to finish. Someone later pointed out to me that I had yet to read ALL the books and that I couldn't make a judgement on the series without having read it in its entirety. Okay, fair enough. So I made a decision to read all three books. All three filthy, disgusting books. It was a challenge to my endurance and futility for me to read them. I crossed my pain threshold long before the end of the first book. My conclusion? I still hate them, although, I just hate them much more now. Why do I hate them? Oh good Lord, where do I start?!

First of all, let's start with the character of Ms. Anastasia Steele. Never in my life have I met a more weaker female character in literature. Juliet Capulet, Marianne Dashwood, Hamlet's Ophelia, Sue Bridehead all have nothing on her in terms of whiny spinelessness. (Coincidentally, Kate Winslet has played all these characters. Little known cinema fact.) I suppose I can't expect much from a character based off Bella Swan from Twilight. She's so reluctant to stand up for herself to the male protagonist Christian Grey. Ana doesn't just fall into Christian's web of crazy. She full on leaps! She honestly believes that his behavior is based in some love for her. Yes, when men have stalked me to another state, tapped my phone, interfered with my career, and gotten overly involved in my personal life, I just know it's some misguided idea of love. Because you know, all healthy relationships have their beginnings this way.

That leads me to my dissection of him. He makes me sick. As I was reading the books, I thought to myself "THIS is the guy women have been swooning over?!" The guy who tells Ana without a sense of irony that he wants to beat her and hurt her because "brown haired girls" like her look like his crack whore of a mother! Paging Dr. Phil! Someone is in need of some SERIOUS psychiatric care! Christian Grey is the most egotistical, controlling, emotionally unavailable douchebag I have ever seen! He takes advantage of a sexually inexperienced young woman for his own twisted ends. He makes it difficult for her to ever refuse him by pulling her into his world and then frightening her with the idea he'd take his love away from her. He's a textbook abuser. He controls every aspect of her life, including her social interactions with her friends. He makes her financially dependent on him by buying her cars, clothing, and making large cash deposits to her bank account. He even dictates her gynecological visits and contraception. The lack of a backbone Ana displays is an insult to feminism. She can't make one decision without worrying about what he'll say or do and woe betide when she defies him. The recriminations are slow and emotionally painful. Of course, the sick-minded E.L. James follows this up with hot "make-up sex" which Christian uses to manipulate Ana's emotions. More on the sex later. The one time she actually makes a stand against the megalomaniac Christian is when he completely overreacts in a very negative way to the news that she's pregnant and she finally sees him for what he is: an asshole with deep-seated issues.

There is nothing about either of these characters that makes their love story believable. His character develops some throughout the books while she stays exactly the same. I can see why a naive young woman who has never had a relationship with any man outside of friendship would fall for a guy like Christian. He's hot, wealthy beyond all imagination, mysterious, etc. He puts a new spin on the whole tall, dark, and handsome adage. Beyond that, there's nothing really appealing about him. Once you get to know him, you see just how screwed up he really is. Majority of women I know would've ran for the hills rather than stay with a man like him. As for Ana, I don't get what Christian sees in her either. We're supposed to believe that she is the one woman that is the catalyst for change in his character. That she is the one that makes him want to be a better man. Okay, that's all well and good, but why? What makes her so different from other women? As far as I can see, she's uninteresting, weak, simple-minded, so complacent and emotionally dependent on him that it's bordering on satirical. He keeps saying throughout the series that her stubbornness and unwillingness to "be submissive" to him is what draws him to her. She challenges him and apparently, he likes that. Well, stubbornness doesn't make up for other character shortcomings no matter how much it turns the male protagonist on.

Their relationship is far from healthy and normal. It's obsessive, controlling, and extremely one-sided. Everything is always on HIS terms. What she wants matters very little to him, even though he claims he'll do anything to make her happy. He makes her second guess herself constantly when she goes to make decisions in her own life. Unfortunately, the author frequently has Ana make the world's dumbest decisions, and in effect, proving Christian right in his obsessive need to be overprotective and controlling. I have a difficult time viewing the relationship as realistic in the way it develops, especially in such a short period of time. How do you go from perfect strangers to desperately in love and married within three months?! I guess it helps the readers believe in the story when Ana and Christian engage in intense, mind-blowing, all-consuming sex. And women are eating this (expletive deleted) up!

Yes, there is sex and lots of it. Thing is, I don't have a problem with the sex. We all do it. Every last one of us was born because sex took place at some point. The issue is the way the author uses sex as a means of making the readers believe Ana and Christian are truly in love. Apparently, love is measured by the number of orgasms a woman can have. Somehow, the sex is supposed to make up for the heartbreak and inner turmoil Christian puts Ana through. That through these intense "vanilla" love-making sessions the characters truly unleash a part of their souls (especially Christian) in a way that makes the readers (and the other characters) believe they have fallen in love. Please, I'm not that stupid. However, I can't say the same for millions of women the world over.

So there you have it, I read all three books and they leave me just as unimpressed now as they did before I read them. Oh, the mystery and action involving a subplot in part of the second book and all of the third book are interesting. Actually, the subplot is more interesting than the "love" story but the whole ordeal is rushed and doesn't even marry well with the rest of the story. What we're left with is a mess of badly-written dialogue, a cheesy love story, and a one-dimensional heroine who is unfortunately our narrator. I thank God that I never have to read lines about Ana's "Inner Goddess" ever again!

The Most Difficult Books To Finish

The Guardian recently did a photo slideshow profiling the ten most difficult books to finish. I'll admit, I've never read or even heard of any of these books. However, I have read (or attempted to read) my share of difficult books. Over the years, I have been introduced to a variety of literature that I've found both enjoyable and complex. Here's my list of the most difficult books I've ever attempted to finish:

1) Possession by A.S. Byatt

This novel chronicles the romance of two 19th century poets while simultaneously telling the story of two 20th century academics studying them. The best word to describe this book is dry. I was surprised the film version turned out to be pleasant and very easy to follow. They simply cut out unnecessary characters and plot points, thus making the film a lot less complex in comparison to the book.

2) Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

I tried with this one, I really tried. I couldn't get past the first chapter. This reads like a 12-year-old's essay on how totally cute Justin Bieber is. Sparkly vampires? Are you kidding me?! I don't have a low enough IQ to fully enjoy these books. I have friends that are able to put their educations aside long enough to be completely in love with the franchise. Me on the other hand, I'm just a little too particular with my literature.

3) Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

Dickens is revered as one of the best authors of all time. Being world-renowned is all well and good once you're dead. However, while you're alive, you have to make money and so did Dickens. When Dickens was being published, he got paid by the word, which explains why his books read like he copied words straight from a thesaurus. This is why I dislike most of his books. The stories tend to get lost in the overuse of rhetoric.

4) Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy

Don't get me wrong, I love Hardy. I especially love this book. Word of caution: this book (like most of Hardy's novels) is best read whilst in the throes of a deep depression. If you're happy before you read this book, you won't be by the end. The main character, Jude Fawley, is highly relatable to anyone who has struggled to be successful in life. The reason this book is so difficult to get through is BECAUSE it is so realistic to people. It's heartbreaking to follow Jude as he attempts to claw his way to a better life only to fail time and time again.

5) 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James




















Dearie me. I swear I'm not a prude, but this was just a bit much. I felt dirty after reading this trash novel. I wanted to go to church, say the rosary and the Lord's Prayer, hang a large crucifix in my house, all after showering five times with bleach to wash the shame off my body. After I read parts of the first 50 Shades book, I was ready to crawl into the fetal position screaming "WHYYY?!" like the guy in The Crying Game after he finds out that hot woman is really a man. This book isn't progressive in terms of women owning their sexuality. It's disgusting, misogynistic, and indicative of a very real issue with misguided women who chase behind unavailable men hoping they'd be "The One" to turn this guy around. Please. Don't flatter yourself, ladies.

6) Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov

I have a real problem with a book that could be seen as an excuse for pedophilia being regarded as one of the best novels in history. I have never been able to get through Lolita simply because I find its protagonist so deplorable. I hate how this novel expects its audience to feel any amount of sympathy for Humbert for his unnatural obsession with a young girl. Humbert pretty much blackmails Dolores into staying with him on threat of becoming a ward of the state. How in the world is that "poetic, beautiful, or moving?" Telling a child to stay with you and yield to your sexual advances or go to some terrible orphanage. Nabokov only makes things worse by painting the character of Dolores as a shallow, oversexed brat as a means of excusing Humbert's criminal and amoral actions. In my opinion, this book is nothing more than kiddie diddler propaganda masquerading as intelligent literature.

This is all I could come up with for now. Generally, there aren't many books that I consider a Herculean feat to complete, so finding a few that I genuinely had a difficult time reading was not easy.