Fifty Shades of Grey review

Friday night, I dragged my harried fiance to CineBistro for a night of good (but overpriced) food, cocktails, and the film based off the BDSM books that have swept the world. He wasn't looking forward to it and to be honest, my expectations were rather low. The only high expectation I had was that I was certain this film was going to suck. Spectacularly. Fifty Shades of Grey didn't disappoint. My biggest regret? That I didn't order more alcohol that I SO needed to get through this!

We all know what the story is about. The movie follows literature student (and virgin) Anastasia Steele (played here by Dakota Johnson) as she falls for the aloof billionaire Christian Grey who has a secret BDSM lifestyle. I shouldn't expect too much from a story based off Twilight fanfiction, but that's my cross to bear. I read all three books (you can find my review on the franchise here) and flat out hated them. I honestly thought I'd feel the same way about the movie but certain things surprised me.

First of all, I'm surprised by how, dare I say, pretty the film was. The set design for Christian's apartment was spot on. It was exactly how I pictured it to look from the books. The cinematographer also needs one hell of a pat on the back. The gorgeous scenery elevated the film to the next level. This was a love letter to the Pacific Northwest and it displays just how beautiful the region can be. From sprawling urban oasis to beautiful forests, the movie scored an A+ from me with setting. It's kinda like if you take bacon by itself, it's just greasy, fattening meat. However, if you take bacon and wrap it around bay scallops, it becomes "gourmet." That's what Fifty Shades is to me: something that's bad for you but if you put it in a pretty packaging, it isn't so terrible.

The other positive here is the soundtrack. The music is devastatingly haunting like old-school Enigma. I never thought Beyonce would hitch her musical wagon to a film like this, but it was smart business for her to do so. This film will be one of the biggest of the year and her songs provide the perfect lyrical backdrop. Everyone heard her remix of "Crazy In Love" as it played over the trailer and "Haunted" adds to the mood of a very important scene between Ana and Christian. I absolutely loved the soundtrack and prefer it much more than the movie.

Now for the negative. I didn't like this film very much at all. I wanted to see this movie BURN so badly. Everyone knows my issue with Fifty Shades isn't the sex or the BDSM but the characters. I'm glad to see they improved on Ana. While the Ana in the books is mousy, weak, and stupid, the Ana in the film is independent, sweet, and fun. I told my fiance that if I met someone like her in real life, that I'd totally be friends with her. I would understand more why Christian falls in love with her had Ana behaved like this in the books. The other bonus is the Ana here is much more hesitant to go along with Christian's offer to be his submissive. She wants time to think on it and consider the implications of such a lifestyle. The Ana in the books thinks about it for five minutes then just throws caution to the wind only to have it bite her in the ass later when she sees just how wrong this lifestyle is for her. In the film, Ana seemed to be on the cusp of just saying to hell with this hot mess but Christian (aka Edward) just won't leave her be.

I rather like Jamie Dornan as an actor, but he was woefully miscast in this role. Not since The Wizard of Oz's Tin Man have I seen a more leaden performance. I don't know if Dornan was directed to act wooden and creepy but dear Lord, was he awful. His "American" accent and stilted speech made me want to scream in agony each time he opened his damn mouth. I wanted him to just stand there and look pretty because that's about all Dornan could manage. Problem is, he couldn't even do that right. The Christian in the books is stalkerish, creepy, and closed off emotionally but he still has minimally redeeming qualities. There's a slight charm to him, even if it is just a facade to hide the pain he feels on the inside. In the movie, there's nothing charming or easygoing about Christian. He's downright scary in pretty much every scene. We as the audience are made to believe that from the moment Ana meets Christian, she's inexplicably drawn to him. Yes, he is the quintessential tall, dark, and handsome man, but that's all he has going for him. I can't wrap my brain around why she falls in love with him. I guess he must have tapped that booty right. Apparently, if a man gives a sexually inexperienced woman enough earth-shattering orgasms, it will make up for any emotional shortcomings he may have. I totally get why he falls for her. She's very much different from any woman he's ever been with. This version of Ana challenges Christian and refuses to let him run her life. He's never had a woman not bend to his will, which is new and exciting territory for him. Those who read the books know that he's well on his way to being in love with Ana at this point in the story. I just wish they had written movie Christian to actually SHOW that. By the end of the film, I get the feeling that he's more afraid of her leaving, not because he loves her, but because he's afraid of losing control over what is usually a very simple arrangement for him.

The worst sin for me is the lack of sex appeal. This movie is far from being the erotic treasure they promised it would be. For a film based around BDSM, Fifty Shades sure is tame and extremely run-of-the-mill. Goodness me this movie was boring as hell. I've had more "excitement" sitting on top of the washing machine while it was on spin cycle. I don't know about other women, but I wasn't getting hot and bothered when Dornan took his shirt off and displayed his rather bony chest. I wasn't squirming in my seat the first time he dry-humped poor Dakota Johnson to simulate fake jackrabbit sex. To make matters worse, we see more of Johnson than is appropriate for a film directed by a woman based off a book written by a woman. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson proved that, much like the author of the books E.L. James, she knows nothing about what women really want. This movie was supposed to be for us ladies, yet every sex scene we are treated to closeups of Johnson's (very) erect nipples. If I want to see a pair of fried eggs, I'd go to Waffle House. According to Dornan, he apparently refused to do any full-frontal nudity. While that's understandable, it kind of kills the eroticism of the story. This was dubbed as mommy porn and straight women would rather see the guy than a never-ending barrage of another woman's breasts and her shag carpet. I must say, I admire her for attempting to bring the Seventies back. Dakota, girl, I know you worked out to be in shape for the film, but you neglected a very important aspect of your beauty regime. #TrimTheBush

Dakota Johnson shined in this drivel. She was the star because she was the only one taking any risks emotionally and sexually. She carried this entire film while Dornan looked as though he'd very much like the ground to open up and swallow him whole. The filmmakers played it way too safe because they wanted to maintain the R rating and not get slapped with the dreaded NC-17. That decision was clearly a financial one. They cared more about making money than exploring the boundaries a film like this could truly push. I also can't stand the overall message of this film and the books which is that women should sacrifice who they are and get involved with a dangerous man (against their better judgement) in the vain hope that he'll change for her. It doesn't help that Fifty Shades fails to serve as a cautionary tale against such a belief. This film is lazy as hell with bad writing and has far too many homages to Twilight (right down to a scene in a forest meadow.) Its saving grace is that the pacing is better than that of the book. However, there's nothing remotely romantic about the story (despite being marketed as a romance) unless you count the way Christian attempts to impress Ana with expensive dates and presents. I ain't saying she a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke (expletive deleted.) Perhaps that is what the women who love Fifty Shades of Grey want: a rich guy to dote on them despite every fiber of your being telling you to run for your life. Take away Christian's money, and you have nothing but a creepy stalker who gives off a serial killer vibe. Most women I know would throw up deuces and run away as fast as their stilettos could take them. Unless you're into that kind of thing do yourself a favor and stay far away from this movie (and any Christian Grey types.) It is an insult to women to be represented by a female heroine who is thought of being nothing more than a simpering doe-eyed ingenue easily impressed by money, flash, and good looks. Sorry, Mr. Grey, but I'm not that easy.