31 Days of Halloween - Day 29: Trick or Treat Etiquette

Aww, they look so sweet. Just wait until the sugar kicks in!

Each Halloween, I seem to have to play peacekeeper between my mother and the hordes of ankle biting demon spawn children descending upon our house to beg for candy. Kids these days have gotten so disrespectful! My mother hates giving out candy on Halloween because, as she puts it, the kids are all unappreciative, snot-nosed brats. I think that handing out candy is part of the holiday, but I understand where she's coming from. So I have compiled this wonderful list of "rules" for the trick or treaters that dare come to my house this Halloween:

1)   No costume, no candy. Seriously? Putting on a black t-shirt and carrying a plastic shopping bag from Food Lion when you're easily in your late teens does not give you free reign to come bang on my door like you're the police demanding candy.

2)   Please do not trample on our bushes and flowers. This is self-explanatory. STAY ON THE SIDEWALK!

3)   Don't be greedy. When I give you one or two pieces of candy, don't look in your bag and then back at me and say with a tone of disgust "Is that it?!" Ungrateful little fucker, I'm unemployed. Be glad I scraped together money to go out and buy the GOOD candy to hand out to your rotten ass!

4)   Parents, control your kids! I shouldn't have to ask this. Halloween 2010, I had a group of children run up my stairs all at the same time. Apparently word had spread that we were handing out "name brand" candy. Well, one little girl was literally tossed off our porch by two other children  who just meant they were getting to me before her. It was not fun playing referee between that little girl's mother and the other children's mother. This all could've been prevented had ghetto mama #2 told her darling little angels not to push and shove, but no! She just stood there watching it all and didn't even say anything to them when they pushed the girl off the porch. She didn't get mad until the other mama got loud. This is one case where forcible sterilization should be allowed.

5)   I'm only going to say this once: kids only! Parents, just because your kids are trick or treating, doesn't mean you should also carry a bag and get free candy. You cheap bastard. Go to Target or Walgreens and buy some candy just like I did. This is for the kids, not for the penny pinching adults!

6)   Don't come too late. The cut-off time for my house is between 10:00 - 11:00 PM. Usually I'd close the door and turn off the porch light at ten or earlier, but if there are a bunch of kids still walking around on the street, I'll stay up later until they've all gone or I run out of candy. However, once it hits midnight (the Witching Hour muahahaha!) don't you DARE come banging on my door! If it's one a.m. and you're still out trick or treating, you need a good swift kick in the head or at least a reevaluation of your priorities. Yes, this has happened in past Halloweens. At that time of night, the only thing you're going to hear is the sound of my mother cocking her gun. As for candy? Would you be happy with two in the chest and one in the head and by that, I don't mean Twix bars.
  

31 Days of Halloween - Day 7: Saving Halloween

I'm just so frustrated. It's the Halloween month. Time for pumpkin patches, fall-themed kitsch, haunted houses, and ghost cut-outs. The only thing I've seen so far are the pumpkin patches and those sickeningly sweet-smelling cinnamon brooms. Where are all the haunted houses and ghosts and ghouls? Oh, I could pay $20+ to go on some PG-rated haunted hayride where some high-schooler clad in a hockey mask wielding a fake machete can grab at my foot, but I'd rather do something a little more adult. I want to be so scared that I'm ready to soil myself. I want something to jump out at me and make me tear a hole in my best friend's ass trying to get away from whatever is chasing us. I want the REAL Halloween.

Halloween has become so sanitized and boring. A couple years ago, I asked my neighbor's little boy what his costume would be to go trick or treating with. His mother snootily responded with "We don't celebrate the Devil's holiday!" Um, ok. Are you implying that my super religious mother is some undercover Satanist just because she dressed me up in girly costumes and let my fat ass go begging for candy trick or treating as a child? Yeah, keep telling yourself that. It's not just my misguided neighbor that thinks this way. The Christian private school I attended when I was younger didn't allow Halloween. Oh, we celebrated it, but it was called Fall Festival. The school would have this fete where the kids would get dressed up, get candy, bob for apples, play games, etc. What's the difference between that and Halloween, you ask? NOTHING! It was Halloween in all but name. They just didn't want any of what they called the "negative connotations" associated with the term.

Bottom line, give me my holiday back! Halloween is far from negative. It's fun, you get free candy, you get to play games, you get free candy, there's the haunted houses, you get free candy. I'm leaving something out, oh yeah, YOU GET FREE CANDY! How exactly is procuring free candy a celebration of Lucifer and his minions? Yes, we all know the background of All Hallows Eve, but it's become something completely different now. If people (like my Bible-thumping neighbor) were really that fearful of holidays that have a Pagan influence, they wouldn't celebrate Christmas. *drops mic and walks away*