31 Days of Halloween - Day 12: How to Survive a Horror Movie

One thing that's always bothered me in horror movies are the dumb decisions made by the characters. No wonder folks get picked off one by one in rapid succession. They are freaking morons! They clearly aren't making the right decisions. Common sense goes a long way in a horror film. Of course, this is just a film and if the characters were Mensa inductees or Delta Force members, the movie would last about ten minutes. However, should you find yourself in a horror-type situation in real life, here's a few handy tips on how to get out with your ass intact.

1)  Weapons. I can't stress how important an arsenal is in the event of an emergency. You'd be surprised how much easier it is to blow the head off a zombie with a sniper rifle than to simply shank the pasty bastard.

2)  Double-tap. Zombieland covers this, people! If the monster or killer in your personal horror movie is overtaken, make sure his (or her) ass is down for the count! Stab him through the heart, chop his head off, unload an entire clip into him! Do anything but shoot or hit once and then walk away! They always get back up due to your ineptitude at killing horror movie villains.

3)  Don't be black, a slut, or an asshole. Being the slut or the asshole never does anyone any favors in a horror movie because the audience will be cheering for your epic death scene. If you're opening your legs to every guy or you're the frat boy with anger management issues, then NOBODY will be shedding a tear when you are decapitated with a scythe. As for black people, well they don't get to survive in a horror movie mainly because they make dumb-ass decisions. In real life, a black person would GTFO the second scary shit started happening. Like these black people right here:


4)  Never inspect that strange noise. Oh come on people! How many times have you seen a movie where someone goes off to check out that weird sound only to end up stuffed in the pantry with their throat slit. When you hear something unnatural in your dwelling, get a baseball bat, turn on all the lights, and stick with your girlfriend/boyfriend. Don't go running off alone trying to play the hero. You will fucking die.

5)  RUN, BITCH, RUN!!!!! Do I really need to tell you this?! If something pops out and your weapons fail to neutralize the enemy, the only thing left to do is to haul ass like an Olympic sprinter. By the way, try to run in a straight line! Don't be the typical shirtless floozy in horror films and make four right-hand turns thinking that will help you evade your attacker. Uh, no. Run as straight and and as fast as humanly possible! And never ever EVER look back! If you do, you will just become another horror movie statistic!