31 Day of Halloween - Day 28: Sharks, Jellyfish, and Dolphins. OH MY! A.K.A. The Twisted Stuff My Nightmares Are Made Of

When I was a child, one of my (many) future career ambitions was to be a Marine Biologist. I grew up with Peter Benchley novels, Jaws, and Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, so I thought nothing was cooler than to study these modern day "monsters." My dream in life was to capture a living giant squid (someone has since beat me to that) and to swim in a cage surrounded by great white sharks. You know what they say, with age comes wisdom and good common sense.

A few summers ago I was stung by a jellyfish. I've somehow managed to live my whole life without ever being stung by jellyfish or bees. I would not like to relive the experience. My boyfriend at the time was afraid of deep water that wasn't crystal clear, so he ventured out just at knee-high water and insisted I come back closer to shore to keep him company. As I waded to shore, that's when I got stung. I had inadvertently walked right into a school of jellyfish and boy, were they huge. The sting itself was bad enough. The allergic reaction I had lasted for days. We're not just talking about the welts from the stings, but also very narrow breathing passages, hives around the sting area, etc. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until a doctor explained to me that I was apparently "allergic" to jellyfish venom. Oh great, another fucking thing for me to be allergic to. Had the venom been more powerful or had I gotten stung by a higher number of jellyfish, I probably would've died from anaphylactic shock. Good to know!

This summer when my friends and I took a week-long vacation to Myrtle Beach, I was already on guard. There had been a high number of shark attacks at the part of the beach where our condo was located AND the record temperatures had caused a swell in jellyfish population. You can imagine my concern. That was before I discovered dolphin rape. Yes, Flipper is going around having his way with unsuspecting swimmers 

And you thought Jaws was gangsta...

Initially, I just thought that dolphin rape was an urban legend. Until I read official studies about it. Apparently, dolphins will grab a lone swimmer with their prehensile penises in the ocean and drag them under water to these caves where he and his buddies will rape the person six ways from Sunday until they completely tear them to shreds. Don't worry, the caves are so far underwater that you'll hopefully drown before the gang bang starts. That sounds worrying enough. Imagine my stress level when I discovered the location of a "rape cave" just 3 miles down the beach from where my friends and I were staying! I had nightmares about my friend Kevin, who kept swimming out to deep water like he was Evel Knievel, getting dragged under water by a horny dolphin and taken to a rape cave where these dolphins would abuse him in ways that God never intended. My mother was so afraid of me drowning from riptides or being murdered by serial killers at bars. I was afraid of the hungry sharks, errant jellyfish, and amorous dolphins. I think I'll take a few Xanax before I venture to a beach again. The only reason I consider this a Halloween post is because I wanted to discuss things I have nightmares about. THIS is what scares me in my dreams. Yeah, it's some sick shit.